There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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