Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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