I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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