Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
