yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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