i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
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some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
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Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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