guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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