I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
