Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
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