first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
