Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
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