When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
