i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
i think my cat just said my name.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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