I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
