I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
