I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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