you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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