He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Randomize
