Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
