Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
