am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
