I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
