just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
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