I'm so fucking centered right now
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize