Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
