I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
