She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
that is very illegal...i love you.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
