i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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