So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
