Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Sober January is a disaster.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Boobs are out for the taking
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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