i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
