god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
