I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
