So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
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This house was built for laser tag.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
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i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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