So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
