I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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