This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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