i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
