So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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