so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
