guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
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Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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