There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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