let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
