So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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