There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
high people should be assigned attendants
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
