Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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