I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
A+ Viking dick
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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