I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
