dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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