Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
