fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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