but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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