True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
