so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
